An organisation that puts damnation in its quarterly report…

A respectable firm, with the name of Last Resort & Afterlife Corp. on a brass plaque. The phone rings, and a human like female figure with a cat’s head and a headset on her ear answers.

Bastet: [delivering the line with complete sincerity] “Good morning! Firm of Last Resort and Afterlife. My name is Bastet and I am at your service. May I have your date of death, please?”

The Firm

The dead arrive at Last Resort & Afterlife Corp. in much the same condition as new clients at any other law firm. They have brought the wrong documents, they would like to speak to the person in charge, and they have been assured by a relative that the whole thing should take five minutes. At the end of the process, they will be admitted to Heaven, sent to Hell, or held in Purgatory. They may also have to come back with a second form of identification. Nevertheless, the firm does most of the work involved in sorting the dead out before they appear in Saint Peter’s Court. The right to legal representation and a defence survives death. The firm assembles the case files, draws up the indictments, writes the speeches for the defence, and recommends where each soul should go.

The firm dates its founding to the reorganisation that began with the birth of our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ. Over the centuries, as Christianity spread and reordered much of the Western world, the old gods lost worshippers and the work those worshippers provided. Immortality left them with very long lives and suddenly obsolete job descriptions. The Greek, Roman, Norse, Egyptian and Celtic households pooled their skills. They set up a firm to manage the dead, protect and represent souls in need of counsel, prosecute adverse cases, and administer the routes into the new afterlife.

Zeus chairs the partners and Odin manages the firm. Freya runs the business administration. The Amazons provide the entire physical security and bodyguard detail under Captain Penthesilea. They check weapons, protect the bench and escort souls between departments. A god may threaten to destroy a building. The Amazon at reception will ask which building, so she can notify Facilities.

The Immortals Doomed to … Office Work …

The staff of the Last Resort & Afterlife corporation is comprised of immortal beings in their prime. In their appearance they look like a striking adult in a sharp suit for much of the roster, a friendly and familiar environment for most. However, Zeus and Odin, the chief pair of leadership, retain their older faces, imposing beards and bearings. Most of the dead arriving here are surprised and less frightened, the gods associated with their myths create a trustful environment and the procedure and service that they provide promote a potential way to trick the system if one is not satisfied with their designated last resort.

Going down the hallway, Thor fills out his jacket like a man accustomed to carrying a hammer, instead carrying papers and folders now. Anubis’s white collar and tie are as well kept as his pointed jackal ears, providing a look that draws both fear and surprise on the newcomers’ faces. An antler, a feather or the visible corner of a flask can do the work of an elaborate costume in this stage of death and bureaucracy. However, outside of professionalism, the human characteristics of these ex-gods also paint a rather tense situation. The air freezes as Freya pins her hair into a neat knot with two Chinese chopsticks, while Aphrodite leaves hers loose to signal the usual female rivalry that is concentrated around one man. In this case, no one is safe as even a look of their eyes could electrocute any person in their way.

Everyone at the firm believes the consequences are real. The client really might go to Hell, the notice really must be served, and the coffee really must be ready. Each of the characters are as competent at something as godly it is possible and intensely particular about how it gets done, which comes from their original imperfections and mythical roles. Thor, for instance, addresses the court with total concentration, while Anubis waits for his scales as solemnly as he waits for the camera to focus. Freya and Aphrodite speak about Baldr in the measured language of an internal budget dispute. Nevertheless, on this stage, they all give the most honoured officials the required time of your average court room to look at the paper before they answer.

Procedure for Incoming Souls

The firm holds a charter to clear straightforward admissions and send contested files to its Review Bench. Its lawyers can appear for the soul or for the prosecution. A lawyer who acted on a file hands it to the bench for judgment, and Ma’at records any interest that could affect the decision. Osiris presides over the hearing. Hades registers the order. The Amazons accompany the soul to the authorised gate. All it takes is four simple steps…

1. Arrival

Bastet opens the appointment and Baldr explains the next steps. The intake file holds the soul’s name, life record and heart. Isis can seek protective arrangements for a client who needs them.

2. Grading

Anubis weighs the heart against the feather and checks the result against the record. He issues A for a favourable file, B when a condition needs review, and C for an adverse referral. On Cardiac Review, his own streaming platform, he opens selected hearts for The Final Unboxing. His provisional grade appears on the file as well as on the screen. The two copies have their own amendment procedures.

3. Hearing or Clearance

An undisputed favourable file goes to the registry for Heaven clearance. A requested Hell order or a disputed material finding goes to the bench. The prosecution presents its case, the soul can have counsel, and the judge can ask for witnesses or a fresh weighing. A file can go to Purgatory with a written condition for review.

4. Destination

Heaven receives a cleared soul. Hell receives a soul under a signed adverse order. Purgatory gives a soul time to meet a condition, make restitution or resolve an open question. Hel runs the review list and Persephone takes appeals. An order may be eternal, nevertheless, the registry still needs a date for it.

Working Arrangements

All of the above seem fairly simple, yes? No? Well, like any other office, this one is also filled with drama and tension amidst the myriad arrangements and things to do. Freya and Aphrodite’s dispute over Baldr recurs alongside the case of the week. This, as so many other things are needed to keep the place running. Such as Eros and Cupid, who turn their employers’ private requests into impeccably documented appointments, or Mercury, who delivers the resulting paper. And of course, no office can run without coffee, so Hestia, whose sole responsibility lies in this department, brews for every shift and remains the sole Coffee Maker. Maybe she is the most respected and admired among them.

Meet (Some of) the Cast

Thor – Norse – Senior Trial Counsel and Lead Defence Lawyer

Thor is an alcoholic, the firm’s best lawyer and the most serious person ever to ask for an adjournment. A formidable adult in a perfectly fitted suit, he keeps a flask beside a brief indexed to the paragraph. He defends souls facing Hell and can dismantle an entire prosecution by asking who signed the second page. He drinks openly, files early and gives a witness his undivided attention. So, the firm allows his drinking problems to persist, as Thor is being an invaluable asset. Entering the courtroom, the Amazons check Mjölnir at the door. Thor always asks for a receipt, then checks whether the receipt identifies the hammer with sufficient particularity, a ritual that cannot be skipped.

Anubis – Egyptian – Head of Soul Intake and Grading

Anubis opens a case for every new soul. Jackal ears above an impeccable suit and tie, he weighs the heart, checks the life record and issues a provisional grade, which he privately thinks of as the good-person or bad-person test. He also owns a streaming platform called Cardiac Review. On its flagship show The Final Unboxing, he slits the evidence seal on camera, discusses the packaging and waits for the scales to settle. He takes his grading as seriously as his lighting. A disputed grade can be challenged in court. The upload goes live on Tuesdays regardless.

Freya – Norse – Chief Operating Officer and Head of Business Administration

Freya runs payroll, staffing, budgets and every meeting that actually produces a decision. Her tailored suit, Brísingamen necklace and hair knot held by two Chinese chopsticks remain immaculate through even the longest budget hearing. She once chose the battle-slain, now she allocates desks with the same precision. As a matter of fact, or rather the heart, she has a private crush on Baldr and a public feud with Aphrodite, who flirts with him (especially) whenever Freya can hear it. So naturally, Freya brings a costed agenda to their arguments. When she slides one chopstick out of her knot, her assistant quietly adds time to the meeting.

Aphrodite – Greek – Client Development Partner and Settlement Negotiator

Aphrodite brings in new clients and gets warring parties to sit close enough to sign a settlement. The office slut, as she proudly calls herself, wears her hair loose and her suits beautifully fitted. She knows how to make an invitation sound like a favour to the recipient, and her favourite recipient is Baldr, particularly when Freya is presenting quarterly figures. Freya is her arch-enemy. Their meetings remain impeccably civil and are booked for twice the usual duration. Aphrodite sends Baldr an invitation to coffee every week. Plus, she always copies Operations.

Odin – Norse – Managing Partner

Odin has one eye, a white beard and a working knowledge of the consequences of every staffing decision. Huginn and Muninn bring him the morning reports, including drafts that have yet to be sent. He sets the firm’s strategy, signs succession plans and insists on recording a forecast for Ragnarök in every annual budget. Wisest of the bunch as he once paid an eye for his wisdom. On principle he expects all comparable professional development expenses to be itemised. And he pays little attention to his ex-wife.

Zeus – Greek – Founding Partner and Chair

Zeus chairs the partnership, signs the charter and rules on questions of policy with the confidence of someone who overthrew the previous management. He is silver-haired, broad-shouldered and entirely comfortable calling a thunderstorm to order. His many divine relatives have made the conflicts register the largest book in the building. The meetings run well until he says he wishes to make a brief personal disclosure. Thus, Freya routinely clears the afternoon.

Baldr – Norse – Client Relations Counsel

Baldr, the son of Odin and his ex-wife Frigg, gives newly dead people their first humane explanation of what is about to happen. He is handsome, radiant and extraordinarily attentive, qualities that both Freya and Aphrodite have noticed with professional thoroughness. Because his own death hinged on a missed exception, he checks every letter for the small thing everyone assumed was harmless. Mistletoe is delivered to his desk in a sealed sleeve, with a note explaining why it has been admitted.

Hestia – Greek – Coffee Maker

Hestia is the firm’s sole Coffee Maker. The fire that once served the Greek hearth now heats her pots twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. She measures, brews, replenishes and cleans with the exactitude of someone keeping a sacred fire alive. She knows which counsel wants a cup before a verdict and which needs one afterwards. All 168 boxes on the weekly rota bear her name. When the tribunal moved a hearing to 3 a.m., she asked for the headcount and changed absolutely nothing about her expression.

Bastet – Egyptian – Reception Manager & Customer Support

Bastet greets the newly dead, confirms appointments and directs frightened clients to an appropriate waiting chair. She can tell from a change in the room’s temperature that a complaint is about to become physical. She pages the Amazons with one paw on the switchboard. Her desk is in the only patch of sunlight in reception. Every move request has been filed and sat upon.